Very sudden passing at vet consultation

Today was tough. Had some tears, still distracted at work, not eating properly (but I at least finished breakfast, which I didn’t yesterday). At some point late afternoon I feel like something switched off inside me. It’s hard to feel sad, now, and that makes me feel guilty, like I didn’t love him enough.

My partner says I’ve just burnt myself out. Maybe my head is trying to protect me from any more pain. I can’t tell if I’m actually okay, or just numb and ignoring it. But it feels wrong. I want to feel sad about him, the pain is good in a way, like it’s proof how much he was loved and is missed. I don’t want to feel fine that he is gone.
 
Blue_Seas said:
Today was tough. Had some tears, still distracted at work, not eating properly (but I at least finished breakfast, which I didn’t yesterday). At some point late afternoon I feel like something switched off inside me. It’s hard to feel sad, now, and that makes me feel guilty, like I didn’t love him enough.

My partner says I’ve just burnt myself out. Maybe my head is trying to protect me from any more pain. I can’t tell if I’m actually okay, or just numb and ignoring it. But it feels wrong. I want to feel sad about him, the pain is good in a way, like it’s proof how much he was loved and is missed. I don’t want to feel fine that he is gone.
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Don't think of it as "feeling fine" or being numb. You are slowly accepting what happened.
 
Thank you both. I think the problem is I don’t want to accept what happened. I want to be torn up with grief, because this shouldn’t have happened, and he deserves the world but I can’t give it to him.

He deserves the pain I felt, the ache and the sadness at his loss. I wanted that to continue for him. I don’t want to be okay or to come to terms with his loss.
 
Blue_Seas said:
Thank you both. I think the problem is I don’t want to accept what happened. I want to be torn up with grief, because this shouldn’t have happened, and he deserves the world but I can’t give it to him.

He deserves the pain I felt, the ache and the sadness at his loss. I wanted that to continue for him. I don’t want to be okay or to come to terms with his loss.
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I understand.😟
 
From my perspective and experience it's quality not quantity. He was a happy vocal chirpy chappie that's what counts. The funny things the good memories the mind boggling minutes.
I lost my little lovie dovey baby ammie Chaos on Christmas morning had to have her pts https://theparrotclub.co.uk/community/index.php?threads/chaos.44473/
My world is blank without her in it I'm still lost without her demands madness pure love of life but I wouldn't swap having experienced her friendship for the world. I feel guilty every minute for failing her but it doesn't change a thing. I know she knew she was adored and precious that's what counts not my feelings. The others in my care need me to continue they are the first duty of care just as she was and parrots are highly intelligent and tune in to human emotions of their care givers they hate it when we are upset I really don't think he would want you beating yourself up over something that's out of your control and unalterable.
 
Thank you. Had a therapy session today, cried through all of it and yet was simultaneously beating myself up for not being sad enough or for long enough. Said I think my brain just switched the deep ache off to protect me but it still didn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right. I’m getting on with my life without him and that’s wrong wrong wrong.

I think I’m just experiencing this weirdly and it’s a time of anger and frustration at the situation, not real acceptance. He was too young to go. He wasn’t sick (although evidently he was… I can’t accept it). We had plans, we had so much more to learn together.

I’m comparing it to my previous loss and grief and I can’t even think of him spiritually yet, looking over me or feeling anything towards me because it’s kind of like he’s not gone. I think the shock has caught up with me and sent me back in to denial and blocked out the overwhelming sadness.

I think I should accept this weird emotion time as part of the grief and shock and try not to read too much into it, although it’s hard. Sadness I at least understand, almost felt good about, like honouring him. Emptiness, I cannot.


Sorry for the ramble <3
 
DizzyBlue said:
From my perspective and experience it's quality not quantity. He was a happy vocal chirpy chappie that's what counts. The funny things the good memories the mind boggling minutes.
I lost my little lovie dovey baby ammie Chaos on Christmas morning had to have her pts https://theparrotclub.co.uk/community/index.php?threads/chaos.44473/
My world is blank without her in it I'm still lost without her demands madness pure love of life but I wouldn't swap having experienced her friendship for the world. I feel guilty every minute for failing her but it doesn't change a thing. I know she knew she was adored and precious that's what counts not my feelings. The others in my care need me to continue they are the first duty of care just as she was and parrots are highly intelligent and tune in to human emotions of their care givers they hate it when we are upset I really don't think he would want you beating yourself up over something that's out of your control and unalterable.
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Just read some of that thread, so sad. I’m so sorry. I’m dealing with complicated and complex feelings. I got frustrated with him/at the situation sometimes. I thought how it would eventually be easier when I no longer have birds. When my anxiety was really bad these thoughts were worse; they let up once I got on some good meds.

It’s hard to love so deeply and be so self critical. I feel like a monster who somehow willed this to happen to him so that my life could be easier, or that this is punishment for daring to think that way, that it’ll be better or easier when he’s gone.

But what you said about how your feelings don’t count, just theirs, I know that he was so so so happy lately and I wish I could’ve given more of that to him. But that’s what matters, really, even if how I’m grieving is all messed up that doesn’t even matter. What matters is him and though he was taken too soon (I don’t know if I’ll ever accept that it was “his time” because it just seems wrong) I know that lately, he was a happy bird.
 
He adored you that counts
He was happy that counts
Now who was that centred around? Oh yeah you. :)

Regardless of our faults what we think are our failings we both ended up with birdie buddies that loved us warts faults and all :)

If willing something were possible we'd never loose anything we loved we'd all be rich with stunning good looks ideal weight with that movie star partner that rocks our world at our sides and no dreams because we had it all.

Thinking about scenarios doesn't make things happen
I'm knocking on 60 no family no children and running out of time wishing isn't going to change it. As weird as it sounds I wouldn't change it as I wouldn't be me and as much as being me actually stinks at times I would still rather be me.

Death is part of life and nobody gets out alive at the end. Its a journey. What we do while here counts and makes us the people we are. Your not a bad person you came and sought help with your little ones behaviour here bad people don't worry about things like that. Your not a bad person because you worried about his health and quality of life. Beating yourself up about it won't change a thing except to your mental wellbeing which you don't deserve.
 
Hey all. Been a little while.

Partner helped me take apart his cage. I found what looked like rust or corrosion in part of it that I wasn’t able to see unless I took the thing apart. I of course worry he got heavy metal poisoning or something from it, but I understand I will never know if or what he was sick with and that even if I did, taking him to the vet was my only choice anyway.

In light of that, and because I had to throw out all the toys (couldn’t guarantee I would disinfect them sufficiently so couldn’t give them to another bird) I just threw the cage out. I have his downstairs cage (which he loved <3) in storage which I will probably disinfect and give away.

I couldn’t bear to give up his backpack, his pak-o-bird. He loved his little adventures to the shops and cafes. It’s his and even though I don’t think I’ll get another bird again (or for a long, long while) I just don’t want to get rid of it yet.

House still feels weirdly quiet, and I wait for his reaction to the doorbell, to microwave beeps, to certain sounds on the telly. I miss him and still feel guilty about all the complex emotions around it. He should be here </3
 
Like he was a little terror and an absolute character. He caused so much damage and I was anxious all the time about not doing enough for him. My cockatiel was sweet and affectionate even without being hand tame. But his death was expected in a way because he had a tumour and I knew it was his time.

I think because R’s death was sudden and unexpected, and also he was my last bird, it has shaken me more. I of course missed my cockatiel and cried a lot over him, and I worried that I wouldn’t grieve as much for a less affectionate, bitey bird. But I just miss him. It’s not the same without him here.
 
I agree it is very hard indeed. Last year one of our Senegals had to be put to sleep after a long battle with breathing difficulties and treatment, then in December our lovely cat and just before Christmas our dear old dog Arthur. although we still have 3 parrots we do so miss those that have passed. House seems 'empty' in many ways.
 
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